When Marlene’s husband passed away suddenly, she found herself staring at a stack of bills and statements that felt like they were written in another language.
For 40 years, John had handled every dollar—paying taxes, renewing car tags, keeping up with investments. It worked beautifully… until the day he was gone.
Suddenly, in the middle of grief, Marlene was trying to figure out passwords, paperwork, and professionals she had never met.
She told me later, “I felt like I had been dropped in the middle of a foreign country without a map.”
Why This Conversation Matters
In almost every couple I work with, there’s a financial spouse and a non-financial spouse. One loves spreadsheets; the other would rather do almost anything else. It’s a natural—and common—division of labor.
But here’s the reality: in most marriages, one partner will eventually manage finances alone.
Women, in particular, are more likely to outlive their spouses (statistically, women live longer, and many marry older men). Even in happy marriages, illness or incapacity can shift responsibilities overnight.
When one partner has never been part of the financial picture, the surviving spouse may feel overwhelmed and vulnerable—exactly when they’re already carrying so much.
The Advisor Gap No One Talks About
Here’s something I see all the time: the “non-financial” spouse doesn’t feel comfortable with the advisor their partner chose.
Maybe the advisor talks in jargon.
Maybe there’s no personal chemistry.
Maybe they’ve never really been invited into the conversation.
That’s not a small thing.
When this happens, two problems tend to show up:
- The non-financial spouse avoids money conversations even more.
- If the financial spouse passes away, the survivor often looks for a new advisor—without the knowledge or confidence to tell a good advisor from a bad one.
The result? Big decisions made quickly, emotionally, and without steady guidance—at the very moment it’s needed most.
That’s why I encourage couples to choose an advisor they both like and trust. When the non-financial spouse feels comfortable showing up to meetings—even if they’re not running the numbers—continuity and confidence are built long before they’re needed.
A Simple Roadmap for Getting Involved
If you’re the “non-financial” spouse—or if you’re the one carrying all the responsibility and want to invite your partner in—here are some simple, non-intimidating steps:
1. Admit where you’re starting.
Don’t beat yourself up. Many smart, capable people just haven’t had the chance—or desire—to manage money. That’s okay.
2. Find the basics.
Together, locate:
- Bank accounts and online logins
- Investment accounts and retirement plans
- Life insurance policies
- Estate planning documents (wills, powers of attorney, trusts)
- Where to pay property taxes, car tabs, and insurance premiums
3. Learn the big picture—not every detail.
Start with: Where is our money? How does it come in? How does it go out?
You don’t need to memorize every number on the spreadsheet.
4. Have a monthly money date.
Put 30 minutes on the calendar. Review upcoming bills (like semi-annual insurance or taxes) and talk through any questions. Then reward yourselves—grab dinner, take a walk, or pour a glass of wine together.
5. Practice in small doses.
Try paying a bill, logging into an account, or reviewing a statement with your spouse beside you. Small wins build confidence.
If Your Partner Doesn’t Want to Engage
Sometimes it’s the opposite problem—one spouse resists getting involved. If that’s your situation, try this:
- Share your why: “I don’t want you to feel lost if something ever happens to me.”
- Invite them to just one meeting a year with your advisor—no spreadsheets required.
- Keep the first step very small: “Would you sit with me while I show you where the life insurance paperwork is?”
Bringing It Home
Money is part of the life you share—not just the bills or the investments, but the security and choices they represent.
You don’t both have to love spreadsheets.
You don’t both have to be financial experts.
But you both deserve to know where things stand.
Your future peace of mind depends on it.
If you’re ready to take that step—whether it’s learning the basics or helping your spouse feel more comfortable with your advisor—I’d love to talk. One of the best gifts you can give each other is confidence that no matter what life brings, you’ll both be okay.
P.S. If you’re the spouse who’s been quietly hoping someone would explain this without making you feel dumb—you’re exactly who this conversation is for.